5 Reasons People With Brains Shouldn’t See Transformers: Age of Extinction

OptimusPrimeBumblebeeBank

If you’re one of the people I refer to in the title of this blog—that is, people with brains—then you are probably already aware of the things that make Michael Bay one of the most vile and overrated directors in Hollywood. Explosions substituting for character development. General cinematic bloatedness. You know these things. But in case your instincts need a little sharpening, I will save you your money—and a precious three hours of your precious life—by providing five handy reasons you shouldn’t go see the new Transformers movie. You’re welcome.

#1 Michael Bay Once Again Proves That His Understanding of Women is Mere Millimeters Deep

With every movie that Michael Bay makes, he further proves that he not only hates women, but possesses the qualities of a panting 14-year old boy with acne and a public erection. His understanding of women is disjointed and stumbles between the two sexist binaries of Madonna and whore: the female lead in Transformers 4—I won’t say heroine because then I’d be a liar—reels between half-naked party girl whose skin provides 25% of the film’s panning shots and nagging wife-figure who is pure and cares only for the welfare of her helpless daddy. As the film goes on and real action starts to take place, the girl gets fewer and fewer lines. In fact, I believe an entire hour passed in which she didn’t say a word: just screamed, gasped, and moaned in fear. The last half of the movie was full of close-ups on her sweating, crying face. When she finally did get a moment of action in the last ten minutes of the film, it was 30 seconds long and completely underwhelming, seeming to exist grudgingly, added in as an afterthought so that her character does something other than hide and weep.

But creepier still is the fact that Bay chooses to make her young age a focus point of the film. He smugly references Romeo and Juliet clauses, as if to cover his pedophilic tracks. “See guys, the fact that I’m forcing you as an audience to spend almost 3 hours ogling a 17-year old girl is legal. Romeo and Juliet clause, baby!” Michael Bay is rich enough for therapy. I wish he’d go.

#2 Michael Bay Once Again Proves That He Believes Explosions Are the Key to Good Filmmaking

Guys, I’m not kidding. Explosions. This movie is almost 3 hours long and I’d wager that 50% of it is just shit blowing up. It’s an action movie…I get it. Explosions and chases and crashes are part of the game and ordinarily I love it. But a five-minute shot of a car overturning and smashing other cars is overkill. Ask yourself, is it possible that explosions can be boring? Michael Bay makes it possible. Trust me. In the lifetime I spent in that movie theater watching Transformers 4, I looked at my phone four different times to check the clock. Is it over yet? The explosions washed over me in waves of monotony. Never have I felt so apathetic about things catching on fire and being launched into the air. I literally yawned as a car flipped through the sky during a ten-minute motorcycle chase in which no real stunts were performed. I yawned. This is a problem.

#3 Michael Bay Once Again Proves That He Has No Problem With Racist Stereotypes

Remember the Transformer twins in Revenge of the Fallen? You remember…the jive-talking, illiterate, violent autobots that were criticized widely? Well, Bay didn’t learn his lesson. Age of Extinction features a samurai Transformer with a heavy Japanese accent who calls Optimus Prime “sensei.” Oh, and his face is made of yellow metal. Need I say more? Also, another fun racist fact, my fiancé, who has done karate for over twenty years, pointed out that samurais are Japanese but when the samurai autobot bowed, it was the traditional clasped-fist bow, which is Chinese. Bay doesn’t even do his research, apparently. An Asian autobot is an Asian autobot, right? (And made to have a yellow face? I mean, come on.)

#4 Michael Bay Once Again Proves That He’s Got Issues With Masculinity

Casting Mark Wahlberg to play a nerdy inventor is kind of a funny choice. Wahlberg’s character is supposed to be a tinkerer, a guy who builds little robots and hopes to invent the”next big thing.” But in the mind of someone like Michael Bay, that kind of guy isn’t masculine enough on his own: he needs to be someone muscular who can also punch people in the face and shoot guns and ride spaceships. At one point, Wahlberg crashes a spaceship in downtown Chicago, wrecking a car. A nerdy man with glasses and average biceps gets out and delivers a “funny” line about hoping Wahlberg has insurance. What does Wahlberg do? He makes a big macho declaration, cracks open a beer, and threatens to shoot the guy. No, not kidding. That’s what he does. Because BIG TOUGH GUY IS COOLER THAN SMALLER NERDY GUY WHO CARES ABOUT WIMPY THINGS LIKE INSURANCE. Guns! Beer! <scratches armpit>

#5 The Writing is So, So Bad. So Bad.

I actually stayed in the theater even longer than necessary so that I could glimpse who was responsible for writing this script. His name is Ehren Kruger. Ehren, wherever you are…stop. Please. For the good of mankind. The Transformers call people “bitch” (because aliens are familiar with misogynist epithets) and deliver the most pathetically limp one-liners I’ve ever heard. Optimus Prime, known for his speeches, delivers monologues more likely found in a badly-translated anime film than in a Hollywood feature. The plot holes…well, the entire film is a plot hole. The narrative coherence…well, there is no narrative coherence. Ehren, give me a call if you need a consultant for next time. (God forbid there is a next time.) I’d be happy to brush you up on creating female characters who exist outside of a misogynist binary, and we can discuss these one-liners too, because right now they’ve got about as much zing as a can of SPAM.

There you have it, folks. I hope I saved you some time and money. But hey, if you’re a masochist, knock yourself out. If you can stay awake.

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162 thoughts on “5 Reasons People With Brains Shouldn’t See Transformers: Age of Extinction

  1. ashwinipriya says:

    Reblogged this on ashwinipriya's Blog and commented:
    Missed this blog, else would have saved money more importantly my precious 3 hours.

  2. cozabear says:

    Reblogged this on cozabear's Blog and commented:
    Needed to be said!

  3. quecaldway says:

    Reblogged this on quecaldway and commented:
    I’ve seen the movie and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I agree, it was long but in the past I’d wish movies were longer. Definitely got that wish! Truthfully, I was scrolling through desperately trying to find comments on this review that seemed different than the majority. Different from the reason why it was written. However I do commend the author who wrote it. (Olivia A. Cole) As I read on, I noticed many sexist remarks, that was prominent In the movie. The low Impertinent arrogant characteristics of the boyfriend towards the father of a young girl who portrays herself as “grown”, who’s egotistical attitude seems to further belittle her own father than her boyfriend does. Yes THAT did annoy me.

    However to make such an effort and such remarks toward a director who’s been a director. Says personally a lot about the author of this review. Sounds like to me Michael Bay isn’t worried about these reviews and I’m pretty sure he’s seen them all. Movies are a directors brand. So this “brand” is what distinguishes him to be who he is regardless of what Anyone may think. Michael Bay with the conclusions of these movies (The Transformer Series) is All about, half-dressed young adult girls, the common comparison and competition between brains and muscles and innovative high-end cars that transform and blow things up. I’m sure he’s completely aware of the type of “crowd” he is trying to adhere to in the most common and most effective way to make the most money. We live in a world that is ran and controlled by money that ends up controlling the ppl who would do any means necessary to obtain more of it. This race is and will never be satisfied. Which Is why you must believe in something…Everything here will fade. I say let them do what they will. Let the be who they’ve become. They have they’re image and are making their legacy.

    Question is Who Are You, and What is Yours?

  4. bromemartin says:

    cant wait to see the dinobots wreak havoc

  5. raymondyaris says:

    Yup! All true.. You’ll spend 5 minutes guessing and excited for this movie then after that it all goes into a downward spiral. Your life flashes before you and you wonder why did u ever decide to waste your time on this crap till the credits close the show..

  6. ritambala says:

    i am a nerd and i disagree with you MAM !

  7. Haha awesome! I absolutely hated this movie!

  8. meetsunshine says:

    Indeed this movie is too long, and was really disappointed.

  9. Its a shame they keep making these movies… just play with toy robots in your bedroom, Mr Bay!

    Very well articulated criticism of a seemingly endless franchise…

  10. […] Transformers because I knew it would have all the same hackneyed motifs— and according to a few reviews, I was spot […]

  11. Janni Styles says:

    Thank you so much for this! I really needed to be transformed, I meant informed. Going from a person who might have attended to becoming one glad she did not. Thanks again. Franchise is right.

  12. Th3Observist says:

    Unfortunately I saw it before reading your post. I agree that it isn’t a movie worth seeing. However, I didn’t go as deep as you. I just notice some possible flaws especially with characters just seemingly disappeared and then reappeared. Like you said, wouldn’t recommend seeing it.

  13. Daniel says:

    Completely agree, it looks like a terrible film hence I won’t even give it a glance.

  14. Sabrina Lobo says:

    I really enjoyed reading this post. I haven’t watched the movie but after reading the post I might watch it out of curiosity. I love the way you put forth your opinions.

    I would appreciate if you checked my blog as well. It is a lifestyle and entertainment blog and it’s new.

    https://randomplethora.wordpress.com

  15. uDjo says:

    is that so? in that case, i will never watch it at movie. just borrow dvd to my friend is enough

  16. reneewads says:

    My boyfriend told me that the materials the Transformers are made out of in this new movie is called, “Transformium”.

    Some movies are produced just to be fun and over the top, like this. And Gangster Squad. Seriously…did you see that movie? classic 1940’s mob with people shooting double machine guns from the hip?

    Yes its silly, but its FUN!

    But I’m still on seeing this piece of shit. lol Thanks for sharing :)

  17. zeyzey63 says:

    Great post! Please check out my blog http://queenzey.wordpress.com/

  18. TheOrangeMask says:

    Olivia, I feel a little ashamed and the reason is that I hadn’t even NOTICED that Drift (the Japanese Samurai Autobot)’s face was yellow. I mean I noticed it, but I didn’t think about what that meant in the larger context of culture. So I need to open my eyes more and you helped me to do that.

    • tvdraco says:

      You probably didn’t notice it because it was gold and occasionally samurai armor will have gold in places. They were going for a samurai’s stereotypical look and having an angry looking gold Face mask is very samurai-y. If you would like examples go Google samurai gold mask.

    • tvdraco says:

      You probably didn’t notice it because it was gold and occasionally samurai armor will have gold in places. They were going for a samurai’s stereotypical look and having an angry looking gold Face mask is very samurai-y. If you would like examples go Google samurai gold mask.

  19. Sarah-Jayne says:

    I watched this last night as I had travelled to the cinema to watch Planet of the Apes to find I had my release date wrong and said the same thing to my partner. There obviously has to be fighting robots but I would prefer less fights and more storyline.

  20. Haha thankyou for reviewing this monoton movie. After Megan Fox out, I’m not interested in this movie again..

  21. Social Life says:

    Reblogged this on johnsimiyu and commented:
    It just catch my attention.

  22. I didn’t bother with seeing ANY of the transformer movies. I saw half of the first one and I was like “The cartoon was way better. I’m outta here.” Then I watched Star Wars. (The original trilogy, not the ridiculous prequels.) I think I only saw Linkin Park’s Irisident music video after the first Transformers movie. That’s the extent of my exposure.

    This was very well written, by the way. Kudos!

  23. I’m so sorry that you had to see this movie in order to let the res tot us know that we shouldn’t. What a terrible burden you have shouldered. Thank you for your service.

  24. That was hilarious. Grear review

  25. I despise how shots of barely clad women are strategically placed throughout. Typical, though.

  26. 3 hours of my life wasted and I swear I did lose a few IQ points…

  27. rogueusmc says:

    LOL…I enjoyed the movie…but I enjoyed your post too. I don’t go to the movies often. I only go when friends call me up and invite me…it’s never my idea. A depart from reality is what I am looking for in a movie. Unless it is a historical project, then it has to be accurate to make me happy…

  28. jimzhunter says:

    I enjoyed the movie. Not every movie we see is going to be a classic irony laden tale that leaves us in deep contemplation over our existence. Sometimes a movie is just a roller coaster with popcorn and a lot of emotional silliness laced into some completely unrealistic action. I mean – this is a movie based on a cartoon from the 80s; right? The movie is a good time and that is all it is meant to be. Next time you go to a movie you should leave your wet blanket on the clothesline.

  29. megze44 says:

    Honestly I was going to see this movie, but after reading this I am completely turned off. All the five facts are so true. The first one really gets under my skin and it makes me realize why I dumped my last boyfriend which probably stemmed from his love for the Transformer movies. Awesome Review!

  30. welllllllll I was going to see this but only cause I saw the previous installments, you’ve convinced me otherwise, and that is NOT a bad thing :) well written ! [consider me a new follower! :D ]

  31. twhittlesea says:

    I think the easiest way for everyone to get to grips with the idiocy of the baymeister is to actually let them see the film. If they don’t we’ll just spend all our time telling them how problematic it all is. When the next generation of film fans ask their parents “can we watch transformers” they will receive the reply “No, I saw a public information film back in 2014 that said how bad it was” the kids will watch anyway. If the unwitting parent had just sat through the whole, awful, abomination of a film the reply would be a far more worthwhile “for Gods sake, dont touch that dvd…bad things live in there, things that made me so unhappy I was almost lost to humanity”. A big part of saving the children is sacrificing yourself at the alter of Michel Bay.

  32. geriroxas says:

    There has been mixed reviews but mostly say that it was “ok” or “bad”…so with those flying around i choose to save the money…watch a different one when a good movie comes out :)

  33. I figured it would be a flop.

  34. spiritheart2014 says:

    I saw it under protest. I had no idea it would be three hours long, but maybe I got more for my dollar? I just can’t figure out why these “superior” robots are just so stupid. They’re just bumbling idiots.

    I did leave the movie feeling that if I were a 10-year old boy I would want to have a whole collection of transformers to play with at home. So as an infomercial, it was effective.

  35. hmercier17 says:

    I couldn’t have written a better article about transformers, it was wonderful. :)

  36. jktrending says:

    Heard a lot of bad reviews about this film and this has persuaded me even more not to see this

  37. Hugues says:

    I’ve been meaning to see that movie just for the sake of it. But now I really want to go see it, if it’s true.

  38. mic48 says:

    Ha ha…I like Transformers but everything you said is true. There are tons of plot holes, stereotypes…it was an underwhelming movie.

  39. patrykhanik says:

    haha point 2 made me. good article!

  40. Wyrd Smythe says:

    I have brains (several jars of them), so I stopped bothering with Bey a long time ago!

    Many will say that, “Hey, it’s just a movie, it’s just a fun ride!” which is true, but — funny thing — it’s possible to make a fun ride without it being so stupid that it kills audience brain cells.

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